This week Kyle and Richard look ahead to 2012 and give their top ten upcoming films including DARK SHADOWS, WORLD WAR Z and of course the soon to be classic GI JOE 2. For the rest just tune in and find out.
In a world growing more and more devoted to shit and the those who take part in the shit, the name that pops up more times than it should is Lindsay Lohan. You remember her, the chick with massive freckles and who was in that movie that blew up Tina Fey and introduced us to Amanda “huge tits” Seyfried. The gossip shows have been blowing up over a new film about Liz Taylor that may spell Lohan’s comeback! Oh, wait, the movie is on Lifetime? What the fuck? Lifetime, the network devoted to women getting beat and kidnapped and tortured then finding a new love, while dealing with their chaotic work life as a single mom or barren shrew. This is a story? Lohan being sought after for a shitty cable channel movie of the week? Wow. Her career shot up to the moon! SHE’S BACK!
In reality, Lohan is a big pair of tits with freckles. Nice tits too. One can get past the freckles to a degree, but they take on a Julianne Moore degree of frecklitus. (Yes I made up that word, we live in a society that does it all the time. Look at Twitter) Lohan is not even a name, it’s a verb. EXAMPLE: I hope my career doesn’t take a Lohan. And a noun. EXAMPLE: Man, I just got a Lohan out of me the size of Lohan. She is a joke that no one has a punch line for, cause she’s still alive. Not saying she should die, but maybe it would be good for her career. Then she could be remembered. At this pace, she’ll be the next Nancy Travis. Remember her? Of course not. (NOTE: Nancy Travis was better than Lohan)
If one looks back at her career, one finds an array of turds. She had some successes, Box Office Mojo has her lifetime gross almost hitting $450 million, with Freaky Friday and Mean Girls being the bigger hits. Wow that’s a lot, right? Fuck no. Megan Fox is in less films and has amassed $750 million, granted that was largely due to Michael Bay but it’s still more than Lohan. So, if the grosses are what matters, why do I hear more about Lohan than Fox? What is the fascination? Oh, by the way, the new story over this shitty Lifetime movie about Liz Taylor has Fox and Lohan facing off for the role. FUCK! That means a chick that looks like Liz Taylor might play Liz Taylor! Who fucking cares! It’s Liz Taylor, she stopped being good after Cleopatra. And she’s dead. And if I see that fucking White Diamonds perfume ad from 1988 on tv again, I’m going after one of her ex-husbands.
Did any one see Chapter 27? The movie where Jared Leto gets fake fat and shoots John Lennon. I say fake fat, because all he had was a belly. No love handles, no bad skin, no stretch marks, no unwanted hair growth, just a belly with beautiful skin. But I digress, did you see Chapter 27? Lohan was in it for a second. Did you see her in Prairie Home Companion? That over rated Altman movie? I know its hard to pick out an overrated Altman movie, but try. She sings in it, that’s good, right? She’s so talented. They all sing at the end of the day, they’re fucking actors. Did you see I Know Who Killed Me? See it, she has a robot leg and is a stripper! That’s all she’s good for, tits! She’s displayed those monsters for free for years, then that old gook Heff pays her a million to let them all hang out. Good job, Heff! She still won’t jerk you off with that baby oil!
Oh, well, keep on trucking, Lindsey! If the Lifetime network stops calling I am sure TruTv, then Spike, then CMT, then HDNET, maybe BET? You’ll always find work because you’re the joke every one wants to tell….. And boobies.
These are funny and honest, plain and simple. Click here to see the rest.
In this very special episode Kyle and Richard give their initial thoughts on the Oscar nominations, who got robbed, who shouldn’t be in and who will win.
Back in the Studio City Palace once again for another installment with Richard and Kyle.
This week we discuss the films Underworld Evolutions (or whatever the hell it is called), Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close and Lucas’ long gestating Red Tails.
Of course we turn from talking about Red Tails to the Worst Films of 2011, which there were many…
So which films did we miss out on our list? What made our list that we’re completely wrong on? Let us know on Twitter or Facebook.
The Final Guest Checks Out
by Zac Sanford
It is the end of an era at the Yankee Pedlar Inn, a small town hotel that has been in business for over 100 years. And over those years the hotel has had its share of guests, including one that may still be roaming the halls, not as a live-in resident or staff member, but as an entity that refuses to leave after the suicide she committed many years ago.
The fact that the hotel may be haunted has always intrigued Luke (Pat Healy), and to jump on the paranormal bandwagon that has taken over reality TV, he’s built a website where he recounts the legend of jilted bride-to-be, Madeline O’Malley. Since this is the last weekend the hotel is to be open, he’s enlisted co-worker Claire (Sara Paxton) to record any occurrences that may arise during the final three days. With the hotel all but empty, they both take turns working the front desk and recording while the other sleeps in one of the empty rooms. There isn’t time drive to and from work when there’s only a little time to find and exploit the spiritual medium.
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(Source: ifilmguru.com)
Side by Side Official Trailer (2012) from Company Films on Vimeo.
SIDE BY SIDE is a documentary hosted by Keanu Reeves. In it, he talks with a diverse group of filmmakers (James Cameron, David Lynch, Chris Nolan, Martin Scorsese, etc) about film versus video. This might actually be pretty fascinating, especially if you have any interest in making movies and the technical side of filmmaking.
On another note, Reeves might seem like a odd choice to host, but I appreciate his own curiosity regarding the subject and am even more impressed by the fact that he is also one of the producers.
It premieres at the Berlin Film Festival in February and from there the sky’s the limit.
Bobcat Goldthwait’s ‘God Bless America’ Hits VOD in April; Poster Debuts Today | /Film
This movie looks batshit insane, which is exactly why I want to see it.
In this episode, we review THE ARTIST, talk about lions nearly eating kids, discuss the possibilities of the Predator appearing in silent films and wrap up by admiring James Cromwell’s long and distinguished career.
